The one-word, short review: blech.
There were only a few ways the season finale of this show was gonna go, right? There was gonna be action. Daniel was gonna let those zombies out of the arena and all hell was gonna break loose. Somebody was gonna die. And they were gonna end up breaking everybody in the main cast out of Troublemaker Jail. The only real questions were who was gonna die and whether they were going to kill off the black guy they introduced last episode.
Let’s cut to the chase:
- Eliza;
- No.
Because let’s definitely kill the most level-headed, non-dick character on the show. Why not? And it looks like Faustus is gonna end up lasting another couple of episodes even though we didn’t really ever get a reason why he was locked up with Nick.
Here’s the gist:
Remember the conversation between Eliza and the doctor about who was going to be able to go with them that I talked about last week? I must have seen a promo or something, because that conversation happens this episode. The military’s bugging out, and they’ve got few enough people around that a Chinook helicopter ought to be able to get everyone out. Eliza negotiates Chris and Travis onto the helicopter. Left unsaid: just how the hell they’re going to get there.
Daniel and Travis have an argument about what to do with Soldier Andy, who convinces Travis that there’s no way Daniel’s going to let him live. Travis has a problem with killing Soldier Andy. Left unsaid: how anything Soldier Andy says is going to help them actually find the people they’re looking for. Does he know the layout of the base? Maybe. Probably not, since he seems to spend most of his time in the safe zone. Is he gonna lie about it? Sure!
Daniel shows up at the base:
The soldiers are all, “Raah graah! Old man! Approach and die!” Daniel’s all, “‘Kay. But, uh, THIS!:”
So, just a few minutes in, and we’re kind of already at earth-shattering this was your goddamn plan? levels of stupid. Travis, who didn’t want to kill one guy, is apparently fine with the dozens of deaths unleashing thousands of zombies was going to lead to. And Daniel apparently has brass balls of steel (yes, brass balls of steel) because he just… what, wandered a few meters in front of the mob long enough to pull the entire thing to the soldiers, forgive me for the MMO language?
Apparently.
But wait! We aren’t done. Everyone else is in an SUV and they find a parking garage… somehow. And then they leave Chris and Alicia in the truck, because obviously you leave the healthy teenagers who can totally keep up with the group in the truck. Splitting your group is something you definitely want to do in situations of total chaos.
Nick and Faustus break out. Turns out Nick’s a skilled pickpocket, somehow; he has the key. They don’t let anyone else out of Troublemaker Jail. Everyone else is like raah graah let us out of Troublemaker Jail! and they’re like nah.
Zombies zombies zombies. A soldier has the death of the season when he gets bit and, knowing what he’s in for, kills himself by charging directly into a spinning helicopter rotor, which less decapitates him than vaporizes his head. In other “gross!” news, Faustus discovers the guy who took his cufflinks last episode. The guy is alive, but being eaten while he is alive. Faustus takes his cufflinks back but declines to kill the guy, because reasons.
He and Nick get trapped in a hallway, but it’s okay because right then is when everyone finds them. Their “plan” was apparently just to wander the hell around. Incidentally, Travis let the rest of Troublemaker Jail out. Unfortunately, those people are all going to die, because you let thousands of zombies loose, you fucking idiot.
There’s a fight.
Daniel finally gets around to asking Eliza where Griselda might be. Not sure, maybe somewhere in here:
Yes, those are giant piles of cremains. It’s… a pretty bleak moment.
MEANWHILE! The SUV gets stolen by soldiers who are sensibly cutting out, and Chris gets punched in the face, and Alicia turns down an offer of temporary safety in return for nightly gangrape. They somehow do not get eaten, and the rest of the crew somehow find them again, despite this being a stupid, stupid, stupid plan, and they eventually just find another car somehow, apparently.
In what is supposed to be a tense moment, Soldier Andy finds them, and holds Daniel at gunpoint for a minute, then instead shoots Ofelia, but only wings her, and Travis, who doesn’t like violence, beats the tar out of a younger, stronger, better-trained soldier, because FAMILY!!!, only he didn’t really like Daniel or Ofelia anyway and what did you think he would do if you let him loose? He doesn’t kill him, though, but he does beat him severely enough that he was probably a zombie snack a few minutes after he’s offscreen. So, thanks for that, I guess? Those few minutes of extra life were great for him, I imagine.
Dr. Faustus has a mansion on the ocean, which has not only not been looted it apparently hasn’t even been noticed, and a yacht, and it’s fairly strongly implied that next season will start on the yacht at least, and I’m already having PTSD flashbacks of the Farm, except more boring. Oh, also, Eliza got… well, it looks like she got scratched, because her wounds are in a really weird place for a bite, and do scratches actually make you turn? Do we have canon for that?
Travis shoots her anyway, and we’re all sad, and that’s the end of the season, and I spent five episodes defending the show but this really was an Idiot Episode, where no one made any decisions that made any sense and then they killed a sympathetic character because they felt like they had to because it was a season finale and not because the arc earned it.
TWD starts for real tomorrow! Who’s excited?
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