PREVIOUSLY ON “THE WALKING DEAD”: Bob’s Burgers! Bob-B-Que! What about Bob? He’s surprisingly delicious. Chef Bobardee! Some other Bob-related pun. We introduce a new black guy, so it’s time to
eat get rid of the other one.
I had a number of theories about how this episode was going to go, and… well, as it turns out I was more or less completely correct in every available way. I’m also starting to get nervous about this season, if we’re being honest with each other. One of the refreshing things about last season was the opener: three or four solid minutes of zombie-killin’ post-prison action where not a single word was said.
This episode, and I’m not exaggerating, although I’m aware that I’m prone to that, begins with five solid minutes where Gareth doesn’t shut up for one single second, even taking a moment to complain about the plot, because for some reason he and the other canniBobs (what, you thought I was done with that?) have decided to camp out within view of what looks like dozens of walkers who are having an inexplicably difficult time with a single pane of glass.
He muses about how they’ll get through it eventually, and then he will talk at them until they get bored and look for squirrel instead of human.
Eventually Bob gets tired of listening to Gareth and starts cackling. In pretty much exactly the same way Dale did in the comics, he starts shrieking about how he’s been bitten (SURPRISING!) and TAAAINTEEED MEEEEEEAT.
Gareth doesn’t want anyone else talking, so once the rest of the team is done puking he reminds them that the shish-ka-Bob they just ate was cooked, so they ought to be fine, which makes perfect sense because zombies. Bob is still shrieking so Gareth kicks him in the face.
Sasha’s looking through the woods for Bob. She finds the tree with the blaze on it and then we get a shot through the night-vision scope (where the heck did they get that?) as she’s looking for him, and then there’s a perfectly predictable Stealth Zombie. Tyreese and Rick, who she also didn’t hear coming, kill that and point out that Daryl and Carol are missing too.
She goes inside and yells at Gabriel for a couple of minutes. He insists that he has nothing to do with it. Rick yells at him too. He goes into a soliloquy about locking his parishioners outside the church to be eaten that would probably be pretty effective acting if I weren’t already kinda bored. Plus: more talking.
There is so, so, so much talking in this episode, guys. Even Bob’s tired of it.
Glenn (I think?) somehow spots Bob lying outside on the grass. They’ve brought him back. They run outside, Rick wastes bullets firing into the darkness, and they bring him in. Commercial break. They come back and Bob’s telling them what happened. Cannibobism!
There is a vaguely racist yet hilarious moment where right after Bob tells them that the cannibals were eating his leg, Rick immediately asks if they had Daryl and Carol. Yes, dude, I get it, they were eating you, but there are missing white people to worry about here! Did you see either of the missing white people, or were you too busy selfishly worrying about this whole leg thing?
Sasha says something about painkillers. Bob pulls back the collar of his shirt– which, by the way, is not soaked in blood or torn– and reveals an enormous bite wound. Rip your shoulder muscle that bad and you’re gonna lose the use of your arm, guys. Rick interrogates Gabriel about where they must have been and Gabriel pinpoints the location to an elementary school ten minutes south of them.
There is another insanely tiring conversation where Abraham insists that he has to “extract” Eugene from this dangerous situation (in the middle of the night, natch) and he and Rick nearly come to blows. Glenn separates them and says that if they wait until morning he and Tara and Maggie will go with them. Eventually Abraham agrees to wait twelve hours, but it takes twelve hours of arguing and God this storyline just cannot end quickly enough. The casting has drained all the tension out of it; no remotely intelligent person would ever fall for Eugene’s nonsense here, and Abraham just keeps coming off as the world’s dumbest guy instead.
Here, have some fire zombies while you wait for this scene to be over:
We come back to Sasha and Bob, who are… talking. Well, okay, this is actually kind of touching; Sasha asks him why he didn’t tell her about the bite. His response is that if he’d told her, it would be “all about the end,” and “I kind of like the middle.” It’s a good line. It ought to be in a better episode.
Blah blah Tyreese doesn’t wanna kill anybody, blah blah talk about what we’re doing next, blah blah no Sasha stay with Bob, blah blah Karen. (Tyreese was dating Karen for, like, a week. He does not remember this relationship accurately.) He mumbles something about forgiveness (why isn’t this Gabriel’s line?) and she vigorously mocks his nonsense.
I’mma cut to the chase here, guys: there’s a sort of cool scene where you see the gang walk out into the woods, then a pan to the right, then a pause long enough that you think maybe the Apple TV has stopped streaming before you realize that the cannibobs have just entered the frame and oh no they’re headed to the church!!
This should be tense. Instead, it’s Gareth talking again. They go into the church and Gareth just monologues and it’s excruciating.
Eventually Rick and them come back, because they doubled back around again because of course they did, and Gareth tries to talk his way out of that, but they get the hell murdered out of themselves instead. It’s brutal; there’s at least twenty times as many stabbings as there really need to be and yes, Rick uses the machete with the red handle on Gareth. There’s almost a good scene where the dude who should have been killed by Tyreese almost just gets up and walks the hell out rather than continuing to put up with everyone’s nonsense any longer, but he doesn’t, because that would be interesting and not involve talking.
Yeah. Gabriel is shocked by the carnage. “This is the Lord’s house!” he says, leading to Maggie describing the church with the title of the episode. Remember when she was religious? Or at least Herschel and Beth were? (Oh, remember Beth? Keep remembering her for a couple minutes.)
Oh, and somewhere in here Michonne gets her sword back. I really need to rewatch the Darth Maul bits to figure out what was going on there.
It’s Bob Death Watch time, as everyone is in his room staring at him and waiting for him to die, but no, he needs to talk to Rick first. Blah blah blah. He’s happy, because once he dies there’s no more talking.
Then he dies, and Sasha makes Tyreese stab him in the ear, and dude, that guy actually had a skull, that knife went in way easier than it should have. I’ve had a harder time putting keys into locks than Tyreese does stabbing Bob in the skull. I cut up a sweet potato this week that put up more fight than Bob’s cranium did.
Abraham, Rosita, Eugene, Tara, Glenn and Maggie leave for DC. Maggie has apparently forgotten that her only sister is missing; I don’t know what the deal with that is. I mean, granted, she doesn’t know that Daryl and Carol just took off after her, but you’d think she’d bit a little bit more concerned about her only possibly-living relative after how bugcrap crazy she went looking for Glenn after they were separated after the jail went wonky. Abraham has left Rick a love note with their map.
The underlining combined with the lack of punctuation at the end of that sentence weirds me out for some reason.
The last scene is Michonne and Gabriel taking watch outside the church that night; apparently they didn’t bother looking for Daryl and Carol during the day at all. There’s some sound in the underbrush and I swear that Gabriel teleports out of the scene. Michonne investigates. It’s Daryl! By himself.
“Where’s Carol?” Michonne asks.
Daryl turns around. He says “Come on out” to someone, and…
…fade to black, because the episode’s over. We’ll find out next week who came with him.
This episode kinda sucked, but the promos for next week look good. It’s Beth! And I don’t immediately recognize where she is, so they’re probably not going to just transcribe the comics for two full episodes!
Excellent. Is it next Sunday yet?